Why are some relationships so fraught with pain and agony... why is it that sometimes love just ain't enough. Why are we cynical about most things, including the comfort of relationships and yet desperate to keep them...
In a world of constant uncertainities, the steadying influence of a relationship keeps us rooted... we're caught up in this super sonic pace of getting the best of everything, of life, a model family, a great job, uber cool friends... the designer homes, cars, gadgets.. holidays... the more exotic the destination.. the higher our market value...
At some point in life, the emptiness of the so called successes we have so hankered after stares us back in the face far harder than we do when we see Pamela Anderson. We offer the least respect to relationships and yet when it's gone... we fight to keep it. To what lengths then, should we go to preserve something thats dying and on its way out. Some people seem to have this uncanny knack of saying goodbye and ending things and moving on in life.. when do you know that it's time to let things be and carry on... How long should one hold on to a painful and festering relationship...
"In a deteriorating love affair, you maybe deeply torn between the choice of holding on or letting go. If you remain indecisive, the internal conflict can depress you and even make you ill. You should make a quick determination whether to hold on by fighting or let go by retreating. Holding on unsuccessfully is like clenching your fist tighter and tighter until your knuckles turn white. Letting go is like opening your fist. It feels better, but your hand is empty." - Paul Lowney;
Isn't it the most frustrating bit of advice you have come across... What you need to hear is some definitive answer or firm guidance, cut the crap and tell me what to do... When you have been through a roller coaster of emotion figuring out should I hang on... should I let go... the last thing you need to hear about is another confused soul adding on to your angst.
But there is some good sense in the above. The best of what it says... 'the internal conflict can depress you and even make you ill'... Let go... let it go.... Take a deep breath and let it go... So easy to say.. I know. But I guess winners are those who know that they have touched the nadir and make a conscious effort to shrug it off and move on and not let their lives be colored by the cancer of a dying and painful relationship.
In all of our lives there would be though, an unbidden flash of memory that may come at the most unexpected and awkward of times... a sudden flash that may cross the brain and sear the heart..., 'should I have worked harder at keeping it...'
And yeah... you can hit me now... :D
Friday, May 4, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Anjali...
What makes a friend… I’m blessed, truly am! Anjali is someone I should celebrate for the world to see and know.
On Friendship - Kahlil Gibran
"Your friend is your needs answered. He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving. And he is your board and your fireside. For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace. When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay." And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart; For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain. And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit. For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend. If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also. For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill? Seek him always with hours to live. For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness. And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."
How many people do you meet in this lifetime to whom you can say these things to? Feel so deeply about? Love and be loved so completely and have the comfort of just being yourself… warts and all. Let me try and describe Anjali, will be a test of the descriptive writing classes I took… Anjali is the funniest person I know, I mean her repartees, banter and sense of comic timing, she’s witty and makes me and a lot of people laugh senselessly. She’s artlessly funny, it’s just a natural talent.
She is like an open book, no surprises and no artifice, a bit of a ‘Susie’ as we call her… sophisticated susi! How many people do you know who will travel across thousands of miles just to spend a week with their friend, every year for five years? Ever since we have come here to the UAE, Anjali has come here from Bangalore, every year… Every time I think of it my jaw literally drops (closes, when I hear her voice say, melli… see those teeth man going ‘upper forward march’) and I am humbled and very proud at the same time. It’s simply wonderful, having the comfort of a friend like this.
Anjali is super smart and can accomplish any task given to her, be it in her career or personal life. She’s an achiever and was top of her line in exhibitions which required her to travel around the world. I have been to so many places through her stories.
I’ve known her since we were both six and I really got to know her 12 years ago. I have come to love completely my worst critic, after myself, ‘cause with her, I know that no matter how deep my fall or total my decline, regardless of how steep I climb or mercurial my ascent, she doesn’t give a damn. I’m ‘Melli’ and that is enough. Worst critic she may well be but she doesn’t judge. In fact she makes excuses for me, umnnn… not while she sometimes rips me apart with her acerbic tongue. She’s frank, open and honest. Among the many things that attract me, is her utter honesty. And you will hear it like it is. No pretense.
This is for you Anja, for being my BEST friend, my confidante, my support… My life, am sure would be vastly different if you weren’t in it. I wouldn’t have laughed as much for sure! You make me think (which is in itself, a big feat!) you make me feel like the luckiest friend on earth… you irritate me to the point that I have to finally move my lazy ass and act!
All of us play different roles, daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, companion… we excel in some and suck in the other, we are crappy at most and brilliant at few or maybe we are mediocre at all… Anjali is Brilliant as a friend… the best there can ever be. You know, I guess its better to be superlative at something rather than be passable at all.
Thank God – he chose Anjali to be my superlative friend!
On Friendship - Kahlil Gibran
"Your friend is your needs answered. He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving. And he is your board and your fireside. For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace. When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay." And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart; For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain. And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit. For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend. If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also. For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill? Seek him always with hours to live. For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness. And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."
How many people do you meet in this lifetime to whom you can say these things to? Feel so deeply about? Love and be loved so completely and have the comfort of just being yourself… warts and all. Let me try and describe Anjali, will be a test of the descriptive writing classes I took… Anjali is the funniest person I know, I mean her repartees, banter and sense of comic timing, she’s witty and makes me and a lot of people laugh senselessly. She’s artlessly funny, it’s just a natural talent.
She is like an open book, no surprises and no artifice, a bit of a ‘Susie’ as we call her… sophisticated susi! How many people do you know who will travel across thousands of miles just to spend a week with their friend, every year for five years? Ever since we have come here to the UAE, Anjali has come here from Bangalore, every year… Every time I think of it my jaw literally drops (closes, when I hear her voice say, melli… see those teeth man going ‘upper forward march’) and I am humbled and very proud at the same time. It’s simply wonderful, having the comfort of a friend like this.
Anjali is super smart and can accomplish any task given to her, be it in her career or personal life. She’s an achiever and was top of her line in exhibitions which required her to travel around the world. I have been to so many places through her stories.
I’ve known her since we were both six and I really got to know her 12 years ago. I have come to love completely my worst critic, after myself, ‘cause with her, I know that no matter how deep my fall or total my decline, regardless of how steep I climb or mercurial my ascent, she doesn’t give a damn. I’m ‘Melli’ and that is enough. Worst critic she may well be but she doesn’t judge. In fact she makes excuses for me, umnnn… not while she sometimes rips me apart with her acerbic tongue. She’s frank, open and honest. Among the many things that attract me, is her utter honesty. And you will hear it like it is. No pretense.
This is for you Anja, for being my BEST friend, my confidante, my support… My life, am sure would be vastly different if you weren’t in it. I wouldn’t have laughed as much for sure! You make me think (which is in itself, a big feat!) you make me feel like the luckiest friend on earth… you irritate me to the point that I have to finally move my lazy ass and act!
All of us play different roles, daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, companion… we excel in some and suck in the other, we are crappy at most and brilliant at few or maybe we are mediocre at all… Anjali is Brilliant as a friend… the best there can ever be. You know, I guess its better to be superlative at something rather than be passable at all.
Thank God – he chose Anjali to be my superlative friend!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
On beauty...
I'm always amused by the concept of beauty and by the attention it recieves. Of the mania it supposedly purports and passions it arouses. Through the ages, people have devoted their lives in pursuit of something beautiful - possessions largely and of course women. Remember Bathsheba who incited David's lust leading him to kill her husband, Cleopatra who brought the mighty Ceasar to his knees or a Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships... The Kohinoor diamond, Botticelli's Venus, Michealangelo's David.. Da Vinci's Mona Lisa.. I could definitely go on...
Between beautiful women and works of art, I guess you have to hand it to the people whose mania to own and capture immortality via beauty led them to disregard morality and the values and belief system.
As I'm writing this, I looked up the meaning in Wikipedia and quote, "Beauty (also called prettiness, loveliness or comeliness) is a characteristic of a person, animal, place, object, or idea that provides a perceptual experience of pleasure or satisfaction."
I'm a big fan of Somerset Maugham, an English playwright and novelist who was quite disdainful of this concept and craze around beauty. He said,
"Beauty is an ecstacy; it is as simple as hunger. There is nothing to be said about it. It is like the perfume of a rose: you can smell it and that is all...
But people add other qualities to beauty- sublimity, human interest, tenderness, love - because beauty does not long content them. Beauty is perfect and perfection ( such is human nature) holds our attention but for a while.
Beauty is a blind alley. It is a mountain peak which once reached leads nowhere.
Too much has been written about beauty. That is why I have written a little more. Beauty is that which satisfies the aesthetic instinct. But who wants to be satisfied? It is only to the dullard that enough is as good as a feast. Let us face it: beauty is a bit of a bore."
I can't stop smiling at this. Every time I read it, I'm amused... interested and it gets me thinking... To me, the most beautiful things in life are my two children. It seems there is only one beautiful child in the world and every mother has it. But yes we can rationalise and say that beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder and if the beholder has a sophisticated eye - well, Somerset Maugham can take a hike.
There is much beauty to be found in the world though, in the unbridled smile of a child, in the calm of the sea, the finality of a sunset and the promise in a lover's eye...
And in your eyes... God knows what beauty lies...
Between beautiful women and works of art, I guess you have to hand it to the people whose mania to own and capture immortality via beauty led them to disregard morality and the values and belief system.
As I'm writing this, I looked up the meaning in Wikipedia and quote, "Beauty (also called prettiness, loveliness or comeliness) is a characteristic of a person, animal, place, object, or idea that provides a perceptual experience of pleasure or satisfaction."
I'm a big fan of Somerset Maugham, an English playwright and novelist who was quite disdainful of this concept and craze around beauty. He said,
"Beauty is an ecstacy; it is as simple as hunger. There is nothing to be said about it. It is like the perfume of a rose: you can smell it and that is all...
But people add other qualities to beauty- sublimity, human interest, tenderness, love - because beauty does not long content them. Beauty is perfect and perfection ( such is human nature) holds our attention but for a while.
Beauty is a blind alley. It is a mountain peak which once reached leads nowhere.
Too much has been written about beauty. That is why I have written a little more. Beauty is that which satisfies the aesthetic instinct. But who wants to be satisfied? It is only to the dullard that enough is as good as a feast. Let us face it: beauty is a bit of a bore."
I can't stop smiling at this. Every time I read it, I'm amused... interested and it gets me thinking... To me, the most beautiful things in life are my two children. It seems there is only one beautiful child in the world and every mother has it. But yes we can rationalise and say that beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder and if the beholder has a sophisticated eye - well, Somerset Maugham can take a hike.
There is much beauty to be found in the world though, in the unbridled smile of a child, in the calm of the sea, the finality of a sunset and the promise in a lover's eye...
And in your eyes... God knows what beauty lies...
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Silence is Consent!
Was in a training at office, "Zero Harm" - an EHS initiative.
The presenter keeps repeating these words, 'silence is consent', sometimes very excitedly, like breaking good news. Sometimes very gravely as if announcing deatth and sometimes in a whisper, like soothing a screaming child.
Hmmmnn.. am thinking, I've always believed that in silence, lies my greatest strength. That I have let my silences tide over difficult, confrontational and volatile times, I let things pass, ease.. melt.. settle, just by being stoic and accepting. That's the way I am, it's in my basic nature to be non vocal about the things that really matter (Really?!!?) Umnn.. just lost my line of thought at that.. am thinking.. Me? and non vocal? I dont need anyone else to tell me how much I talk - jeez.. sometimes I tire my own auditory senses. :D.. Boy! I can talk and then talk some more and exhaust the listener.
What am I claiming then, when I say that I'm silent and let things go.. I am this split personality.. which of us isn't.. but I guess I have these two strong splits.. one which cant shut up and the other which shuts up at the most important times.
Silence is really assent, I do believe that.. in retrospect everything is in sharp focus and in technicolor detail isn't it..
How many times have we wondered, if I had acted on my instincts and said something, maybe at that point it would seem a red herring, but time would prove that it was the wisest move. Speculation isn't always idle, especially if it leads to strengthen resolve.
The balance should be in managing these two strong personalities that are in contrast to each other and get them to either behave in tandem, or create another me that picks the best of both and knows when to operate from in which mode.
I'm a basket case.. I think at times.. I mean, I'm astounded at the many creatures that dwell in me. Some I recognise easily, others are a revelation and I'm like.. 'where the hell did that come from?' Why can't life be more simple, less complicated, silent and calm, proper and strait laced.. why can't I be easy to handle.. even to my own self.. I'd like to wake one morning and look in the mirror and say, 'Ah, its you - boring and predictable, but definitely easy to handle'.
I'm lying!!! Liar Liar... I love these complexities and confusion and the chaos.
Silence, now that would be boring.. and yes, I guess I have reached a point in life where, my silent me will speak up when should and the other nonsensical blabber mouth will cow down before the silent one.
God Bless my family and friends.. as they tiptoe around my various personalities, trying to figure which freak is currently operational!
The presenter keeps repeating these words, 'silence is consent', sometimes very excitedly, like breaking good news. Sometimes very gravely as if announcing deatth and sometimes in a whisper, like soothing a screaming child.
Hmmmnn.. am thinking, I've always believed that in silence, lies my greatest strength. That I have let my silences tide over difficult, confrontational and volatile times, I let things pass, ease.. melt.. settle, just by being stoic and accepting. That's the way I am, it's in my basic nature to be non vocal about the things that really matter (Really?!!?) Umnn.. just lost my line of thought at that.. am thinking.. Me? and non vocal? I dont need anyone else to tell me how much I talk - jeez.. sometimes I tire my own auditory senses. :D.. Boy! I can talk and then talk some more and exhaust the listener.
What am I claiming then, when I say that I'm silent and let things go.. I am this split personality.. which of us isn't.. but I guess I have these two strong splits.. one which cant shut up and the other which shuts up at the most important times.
Silence is really assent, I do believe that.. in retrospect everything is in sharp focus and in technicolor detail isn't it..
How many times have we wondered, if I had acted on my instincts and said something, maybe at that point it would seem a red herring, but time would prove that it was the wisest move. Speculation isn't always idle, especially if it leads to strengthen resolve.
The balance should be in managing these two strong personalities that are in contrast to each other and get them to either behave in tandem, or create another me that picks the best of both and knows when to operate from in which mode.
I'm a basket case.. I think at times.. I mean, I'm astounded at the many creatures that dwell in me. Some I recognise easily, others are a revelation and I'm like.. 'where the hell did that come from?' Why can't life be more simple, less complicated, silent and calm, proper and strait laced.. why can't I be easy to handle.. even to my own self.. I'd like to wake one morning and look in the mirror and say, 'Ah, its you - boring and predictable, but definitely easy to handle'.
I'm lying!!! Liar Liar... I love these complexities and confusion and the chaos.
Silence, now that would be boring.. and yes, I guess I have reached a point in life where, my silent me will speak up when should and the other nonsensical blabber mouth will cow down before the silent one.
God Bless my family and friends.. as they tiptoe around my various personalities, trying to figure which freak is currently operational!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
When will I grow up and act my age.... mature maybe?
Maturity.. what is this really? Is it when you stop behaving in an irresponsible manner and think, ponder, muster and weigh your actions.. In that case, I fail every time.. I'm far... miles away from all of the above.
If I were a catholic, my blog would be my favorite priest at the confessional...
I want to be a mature person, someone who is careful in her ways with people, situations and life and doesnt spend days agonising over the stupid things I do.
"The things you learn in maturity aren't simple things such as acquiring information and skills. You learn not to engage in self-destructive behaviour. You learn not to burn up energy in anxiety. You discover how to manage your tensions. You learn that self-pity and resentment are among the most toxic of drugs. You find that the world loves talent but rewards character. You come to understand that most people are neither for you nor against you; they are thinking about themselves. You learn that no matter how hard you try to please, some people in this world are not going to love you - a lesson that is at first troubling and then quite relaxing" - John Gardner
I'm writing this so that I can keep reading it, maybe it will be something that this thick skull will absorb. The foolishness I indulge in, have to put a lid on it. I really want to be someone I can look in the eye and not cringe, someone I'm proud of.
I have to stop feeling stupid for my actions, what best way than acting in a mature and responsible manner. I will keep reading and re reading this and will show economy in action, word and deed.
And try and never be in a position from where I look at myself in shame.
If I were a catholic, my blog would be my favorite priest at the confessional...
I want to be a mature person, someone who is careful in her ways with people, situations and life and doesnt spend days agonising over the stupid things I do.
"The things you learn in maturity aren't simple things such as acquiring information and skills. You learn not to engage in self-destructive behaviour. You learn not to burn up energy in anxiety. You discover how to manage your tensions. You learn that self-pity and resentment are among the most toxic of drugs. You find that the world loves talent but rewards character. You come to understand that most people are neither for you nor against you; they are thinking about themselves. You learn that no matter how hard you try to please, some people in this world are not going to love you - a lesson that is at first troubling and then quite relaxing" - John Gardner
I'm writing this so that I can keep reading it, maybe it will be something that this thick skull will absorb. The foolishness I indulge in, have to put a lid on it. I really want to be someone I can look in the eye and not cringe, someone I'm proud of.
I have to stop feeling stupid for my actions, what best way than acting in a mature and responsible manner. I will keep reading and re reading this and will show economy in action, word and deed.
And try and never be in a position from where I look at myself in shame.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Uggy Booby Doo
I have this horrid habit.. giving indecipherable names to that which I love, human or animal.. This is Leo, our Rottweiler. He's a year and a half and is the most loved member of our family.
December 2010, after months of begging, pestering, cajoling and pleading from the children, Anil goes to the Sharjah animal market and returns with a crate marked ' From Tashkent'.
Peering from inside was this little pup with doleful eyes, a cut tail that wagged furiously, it was love at first sight, beginning with Anil and ending with me. Amanda and Alder had surrended themselves completely to this wonder.
Begins debate, what do we name him.. After much opinion - Leo was chosen, simply because that is his star sign. His birth certificate said he was born in August.
He brought into our home affection and fun.. the kids now growing dont much care for cuddling and petting but with Leo, anything goes, they kiss him, forever hug him and of all the weird things, Alder even bites him.
We vaccinate the dog against what he may contract from human bites!
In his vet's clinic, there's this poster which says that 'Until you have loved an animal, a part of your soul remains unawakened'.
The warmth and joy he greets us when we return home(even if we've been away for a mere five minutes) and the games he loves to play, from being chased around the house and garden, to diggin up the herb and flower patches (not funny!) are endearing.
At this moment, he is chewing up my hairband and peering through his doe eyes and refuses to give it up no matter how much I plead or threaten.
Gave it up... some things are just not worth losin your equilibrium over.. he teaches me this all the time.. its like the battle between the stream and and the rock..
So what is Uggy Booby Doo... that's what I call him, besides Babushka and Ugly... :D
Everyone gets mad when I say 'Ugly' and he comes running over. Alder has tried to psych him.. peers into his eyes and keeps chanting sonorously.." you are not Ugly.. you are Leo".. over and over until Alder himself looks hypnotised.
I sit and watch the drama and softly whisper.. 'Ugly...' and he comes leaping towards me. The episode always ends with Alder storming away in anger at me and my Uggy..
I will talk more about him and what he brings to each one of us with our different personalities..
For now.. Uggy Booby Doo.. well he is our baby and we couldn't be more content.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
On children..
My first blog of the year 2012 and I want to write about the passing of time.. the year that just went by and of course my children, who overnight have turned into mini adults..
Jeez.. when did they grow man.. Friday afternoon at our ritual family meal, my son points to his birthmark, which is fiery red on his cheek and says, "this is a love bite.. I got this hickey from Peri Peri (my husband's dreamgirl)"
I was completely and utterly bamboozled(funny word this.. bamboo+booze+snoozled). Just a few days ago when I sported a decorated neck, he had piped up, "Mumma whats that?" And now he calmly discusses hickies..
My poor mother... just 'cos I'm a devil, I'd like to repeat this conversation to her.. She will instantly retaliate with, "how does he know? And should he?"
Read this, " A child who is protected from all controversial ideas is as vulnerable as a child who is protected from every germ. The infection, when it comes - and it will come - may overwhelm the system, be it the immune system or the belief system" - Jane Smiley
........in defence of my son and ultimately me?
I dont know... but I have believed that a child has a right to accurate information and as far as possible, we as parents should not withhold it.. I haven't yet had my 'birds and the bees' conversation with the kids yet, but have a feeling that I might be educated rather than them!
The year that will be... I'm sure will rock!
Jeez.. when did they grow man.. Friday afternoon at our ritual family meal, my son points to his birthmark, which is fiery red on his cheek and says, "this is a love bite.. I got this hickey from Peri Peri (my husband's dreamgirl)"
I was completely and utterly bamboozled(funny word this.. bamboo+booze+snoozled). Just a few days ago when I sported a decorated neck, he had piped up, "Mumma whats that?" And now he calmly discusses hickies..
My poor mother... just 'cos I'm a devil, I'd like to repeat this conversation to her.. She will instantly retaliate with, "how does he know? And should he?"
Read this, " A child who is protected from all controversial ideas is as vulnerable as a child who is protected from every germ. The infection, when it comes - and it will come - may overwhelm the system, be it the immune system or the belief system" - Jane Smiley
........in defence of my son and ultimately me?
I dont know... but I have believed that a child has a right to accurate information and as far as possible, we as parents should not withhold it.. I haven't yet had my 'birds and the bees' conversation with the kids yet, but have a feeling that I might be educated rather than them!
The year that will be... I'm sure will rock!
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