Fabulous forties...

Bingo or housie housie as it’s called in Mangalore is a popular game in clubs, parties and get-together’s.

I’ve learned a lot of phrases there especially as they called out the numbers, one of which was ‘Men get naughty at four and oh’, and the crowd would go ‘Forty!’

Therefore the number 40 to me has always been associated with men becoming naughty, supposedly. No one though warned me about women in their forties.

Let me put together my personal as well as the opinions I gather from my girlfriends in their forties:

1. We are the most confident we have ever been and vocal too. Our threshold for accepting nonsense is almost nonexistent and we do not suffer fools gladly.
2. We are more aware of ourselves, of what we want and how to get there, without suffering pangs of guilt or making apologies.
3. We do not want to make new friends, are very happy with the friends we have and believe in spending as much time as we can with them. Quality over quantity.
4. We’re not in the race, we have lost a few battles, won some, gave up the others and now we know that the race doesn’t matter. Living one day at a time does.
5. We’re sexually aware and honest about our feelings. Our twenties were spent in exploration, thirties in acceptance and in our forties we have come to our own and know exactly what we want and how and we are not ashamed, rather revel in it.
6. We are done with experimenting, be it in relationships or fashion. We know what looks best on us, be it the men, the clothes, the lip color even. Irrespective of what the norms demand, we will wear what we feel best in.
7. We love the way we look and celebrate it even if we complain about the cellulite and the wrinkles. It’s the face in the mirror that matters now, when we look at ourselves and say ‘Hey Beautiful’, we need no other compliment.
8. We do not need anyone to validate our existence. Other’s opinions about us are unimportant and unnecessary, we know the path we’ve walked and we are proud of it. Have fallen into potholes and scrambled out in tatters, have climbed the peak and looked down in joy and now we know that we can rise after every fall and therefore there is no fear.
9. Our children (mine at least) are young adults and do not need the constant care like they did when young which leaves us with time. Time to do what we love doing, not what we are obligated to do. Time to pursue that old hobby, to get in touch with the self, to introspect, to breathe. To just be.
10. We are more grateful and accepting, calm and serene, absorbent and resilient. We know we are strong enough to face anything that comes our way and we know we will make it.

I must confess to loving my forties and wonder why we used to think that it was only men who transformed. While naughty is not the word I would use to describe a woman in her forties! I’d say gorgeous, beautiful and go girl… the world is at your feet, go live YOUR life. Finally.

Forgiveness... your mainstay

Mahatma Gandhi said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong."

This has been running in my head for the past few days ever since one of my school friends announced on our group chat on Watsapp that she spent the day with female prisoners and was not sure whether it was worth her time.

Felons deserve no mercy right, it's just rewards. After all they did something that warrants punishment and why should we fret over their plight and waste our sympathy on those who deserve what they get.

When I mull over this, there's a part of me that agrees and there's this other line of thought which prompts me to believe that although they have committed a crime, we do not know the circumstances that pushed them to or how they arrived at that point form where crime seemed the only option. In a certain sense, unless one is a psychopath, crime is something one doesn't meticulously plan in the quiet of the mind. It largely is an action to a reaction or an escape route from suppression.

If we as strangers who are not directly related to the crime can't find it easy to forgive imagine the trauma of the people connected to the victims, the parents, family and friends. And yet, I know of people who reach out and forgive the perpetrator.

Forgiveness isn't something you offer only to a crime, even petty skirmishes need this absolvence. I know a lot of people and I have on occasion said it too, 'I forgive but I never forget'. It's just a line. Believe me, we want to look grand by saying I am the better person and I forgave but when you say the next part of that line you negate the gesture.

Why should we forgive, especially when we have been hurt and been through traumatic times? I think keeping a grudge is like cutting your nose to spite your face. Negative thoughts and feelings weigh us down and drag our emotions to a nadir too. It's a slippery slope, happy thoughts keep us happy and negative thoughts worsen it for us.

To let go of a grudge from deep within one's soul, to look at it with compassion and understanding and decide that it was a moment of weakness which made the person do what they did, when you tell yourself that the other person was a victim of their thinking and while they were silly but did not mean to deliberately hurt you, it's freedom.

The power of forgiveness is in liberation, most of us dont realise it but when you let go, you untie the shackles of negativity that binds you and now you breathe easy, simplify your life and just inhale postivity.

Forgive... not as a chore you are doing for someone let it rather be a gift unto yourself.

With great power comes great reponsibility... Sigh!

Spiderman immortalised this sentence although sources claim that it wasn't Ben Parker's original thought and attribute it to an anonymous writer.

Today I am made aware the full impact of this sentence. Being a team leader isn't always fun and taking tough decisions is very much part of the workplace, even if it breaks your heart to be the bearer of bad news.

It's hunky dory when the sailing is smooth and when you can play benevolence to the hilt, but when you wield the sword, ah that's when it speaks of character and strength and frankly the b*lls.

I discovered much to my consternation that while I enjoy being in the place that allows me to make decisions, when it comes to the crunch I try to shy away. And... I noticed that this is pretty much typical of how I am with everything. I vaccilate so much that even a pendulum looks steady in comparisn.

Thankfully, this time my new found strength made it easy for me and I was able to think objectively and while my heart bled my voice didn't quaver nor did my eyes do the cry me a river tune.

After which I realised how empowering it really is, taking tough decisons. It's like baptism by fire, you burn as you walk through the decision and the scars sometimes remain and linger but it also is a purgation.

My only prayer being though, that I remain touched by genuineness and that taking tough decisions should be a rite of emotional passage and not become a clinical incision, that I bleed every time I sever an important part and that I become a better person.

Tomorrow is another day...

Just heard from my friend Geet that an old neighbor died today.

This gentleman was in his sixties or may be early seventies. I met him when I moved into our apartment in Mangalore 14 years ago and he was one one of the stalwarts of the building, serving in the committee, was an active member of the church, would sing and laugh and loved life to its fullest. He enjoyed having people over and loved to sing old konkani songs, always full of bonhomie. He and his wife were like two peas in a pod, always well turned out and looked like they had a lot of fun together.

To say he doted on her would be an exaggeration because it was the truth although he never made grand declarations of love. She passed away a few years ago and Uncle Pinto as we knew him never let her go. His daughter lives in Delhi and although he did stay with them for a while promptly returned to his home soon after. He let the joy seep out of his life and slowly withered. His larger than life personality and the exuberance he exhibited waned as his eyes instead of sparkling with life, now sparkled with the pain of unshed tears.

It was like he was just passing time until today came long where he would also leave and hopefully join his beloved wife.

His passing brings a regretful sigh but I'm saddened by the thought that he just let this life disintegrate and dissolve into nothingness. Life is a gift and one we should all celebrate.

I found this post a few days ago and liked it so much that I saved it, didn't think I would use it as quickly as I am. Poignant this message and while not undermining the fact that if you find happiness in love embrace it, also serves to remind that there are other means of happiness too!

This life is too precious and beautiful and marvellous to let it slip away because you invested everything you had in one person or one relationship. The loss of your beloved is irreversible and painful, agreed. But like Scarlett O'Hara said to Rhett Butler in "Gone with the Wind", tomorrow is another day!

I believe that my tomorrows' will be better than my todays'

no matter how splendid today was

I believe I will laugh a little louder and dance a little slower

no matter how rythmic the sway today

I believe I will find joy in my tomorrow

even if I dont think I can be happier than I am now

I believe I will still smile at a baby, wink at a child and flirt with the world

even when I'm old and infirm and have no memory...

I believe in tomorrow...