Who am I?

It's a question that we may have asked ourselves time and again and at different phases in life and have arrived at different answers.. Who is the real me? What do I want from life? What is it that will make me happy?

I do not think it's only the young who go through this self searching. I'm on the brink of forty and can tell you that I go through this as I have done while younger, and at varied stages have had diverse thoughts, emotions and personas that I have created and mulled over.

As a young bride, when we lived in the estate.. I didn't have much to do and would read, read and then read some more. My father in law had a great collection of old Reader's Digest magazines and I believe I have read each cover to cover.

Whenever I came across interesting lines, I would write them down. Here is one, " Young people searching for their real self must learn that the real self is not something one finds as much as it is something one makes; and it is one's daily actions that shape the inner personality far more permanently than any amount of introspection or intellection" - Sydney Harris.

Have thought very deeply about this and maybe in certain ways have tried to imbibe this into my life by doing somewhat the same, which I figured would help me shape who I want to become.

It could very well be true that instead of spending hours on trying to figure out who we are, and while doing so getting depressed as the answer never comes; I know.. been there and done that, we can instead focus on the who I want to be. It can at times be a very self destructive phase especially when you dont have any answers forthcoming. Oftentimes, this introspection comes after a loss, of peace of a relationship, of self confidence.. very rarely do we pause for a while and think these thoughts while happy.

The after shocks of an unpleasant or unhappy incident is most times a reflective phase. While in this state.. if we can think that what I'm looking for isn't something I can find as much as I can create.. well.. it may have far reaching consequences.

There have been times when I have gone into the' Who am I' state and cowered in self pity and whimpered with regret.
There have been times when I have delved into my being and searched for me and have come up with, 'Hey I like you'.
There have been a gazillion times when I have sunk into this me and emerged with.. ' Some freak lives here'.

Of late though.. I like who I meet on my journey into the self. If maturity has taught me anything, it is this... I'm rarely helpless, If I really want something.. I can have it.. If I can Plan it.. I can achieve it... and I'm a pretty sorted dude (I'm more dude than babe.. or say my dude friends).. and the person I meet on my longgg solitary walks is someone I have learned to love.

And that believe me... is comforting. Self acceptance.. above all!