It's the silliest line you would hear, yet it has acquired cult status. Rajesh Khanna, hailed as India's First Bollywood Superstar passed away yesterday.
Cannot claim that I am a fan, he was my mother's generation but there is something about what I heard which has remained in my psyche.
When I was very young, we didn't have a television at home, infact, TV came into sleepy Mangalore in 1984 I guess and we had one at home a year later. The only channel available then was the Government run Doordarshan which we religiously watched since we had no choice otherwise anyways.
Sundays and Fridays were special. Sunday would feature a National Award movie in regional languages at 2:00 pm and a Blockbuster movie in the evening and Friday had the medley of popular hindi film songs called Chitrahaar.
Rajesh Khanna's movies were very popular and quite regular. What has remained with me is this memory of mother and me watching 'Aradhana' and mum saying in shocked tones, 'you know, when I was single and working in Bombay, every time a Rajesh Khanna movie released, the ladies compartment in the train was abuzz with excitement. One of the women said, Rajesh Khanna is my God!!! As mother narrated this, she was shivering and shaking in outrage. As a devout Christian her sensibilities were terribly offended and the statement too blasphemous to be real.
So when I hear of or watch Rajesh Khanna on TV, I'm instantly transported back in time and my mother emerges in all her hell hath no fury frame and her scorn is a living thing, even after all these years.
We never grow up do we.... prisoners of memories...
But remember... Pushpa... I hate tears...
Friday, July 20, 2012
Just you...
Tip toe with stealthy feet…
With the silence of velvet footfalls
Shimmying into barren lands
Lighting forgotten embers
To the blind what is the beauty of your countenance
Do the deaf know the melody of your voice
When the softness of your hair kisses my face
The scent of you that invades my every sense
I look at my hands with a wonder
They glazed over the satin of your skin
My face has welts where your eyelashes kissed
I am empty with an emptiness of the cup that overflows
All my questions answered
Shall I say that now there is a me I don’t recognise
You are the pain I rejoice in
Joy that tinkles like wind chimes that sway gently
Caressing the wrinkles of the heart
Creases that you iron out with ease
Stay, you are home
Just you.
With the silence of velvet footfalls
Shimmying into barren lands
Lighting forgotten embers
To the blind what is the beauty of your countenance
Do the deaf know the melody of your voice
When the softness of your hair kisses my face
The scent of you that invades my every sense
I look at my hands with a wonder
They glazed over the satin of your skin
My face has welts where your eyelashes kissed
I am empty with an emptiness of the cup that overflows
All my questions answered
Shall I say that now there is a me I don’t recognise
You are the pain I rejoice in
Joy that tinkles like wind chimes that sway gently
Caressing the wrinkles of the heart
Creases that you iron out with ease
Stay, you are home
Just you.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Ladies Hostel...
The major news making the rounds in a Mangalorean website since yesterday was the apprehending of a young man clad in an Abaya or Burkha.
He was caught with his girlfriend, pants down, making out in the bathroom of the Ladies Hostel.
I occasionally check out the website for gossip on my hometown, the website is completely without class, cheap and downright proletarian. I love checking it out to see the pictures and greetings posted there. It makes me cringe and laugh, yeah yeah... cheap thrills.
The news that it carried though about the boy and the pictures featured, shocked me and has quite disturbed me, I have been thinking about it since yesterday. The pictures feature the boy, half naked with his jeans open and his underwear showin and one pic even has a cop yankin him with his jeans with the boy's bottom exposed.
All of this on a supposedly 'news worthy' website. It's disgusting. Ok, that in itself was bad, but they have many pictures of the boy and what's worse... comments galore, almost everyone condemning the boy, his religion, his upbringing, parents, society, internet even!
I can't describe how grossed out I feel. And very let down and cheated... I do know that the website isn't really an accurate description of Mangalorean people and culture, but the narrow mindedness and archaic thinking as evinced in the comments are totally demoralising.
"In order to judge properly, one must get away somewhat from what one is judging, after having loved it. That is true of countries, of persons, and of yourself". - Andre Gidé
I don't really appreciate passing judgements... I try not to most times... but this spate of nasty comments has really bothered me... What kind of people live in Mangalore now...? was I wrong in my pride in my hometown... it's my security blanket, a vital part of my identity. I plan to go back home to spend the dusk of my life there (If I dont kick the bucket before my grand plan that is) but peering into that society from the outside as it were, as I am doing now... I'm not very sure...
Is it me? Is the change internal... I dont want think so... I am trying very hard to understand, rationalise, assemble and structure my thoughts and feelings... I need to have a place I call home, one that I love and respect and have deep faith and pride in.... My friends back home haven't changed a bit, that I know... Life goes forward... why is Mangalore driving furiously on reverse gear...
He was caught with his girlfriend, pants down, making out in the bathroom of the Ladies Hostel.
I occasionally check out the website for gossip on my hometown, the website is completely without class, cheap and downright proletarian. I love checking it out to see the pictures and greetings posted there. It makes me cringe and laugh, yeah yeah... cheap thrills.
The news that it carried though about the boy and the pictures featured, shocked me and has quite disturbed me, I have been thinking about it since yesterday. The pictures feature the boy, half naked with his jeans open and his underwear showin and one pic even has a cop yankin him with his jeans with the boy's bottom exposed.
All of this on a supposedly 'news worthy' website. It's disgusting. Ok, that in itself was bad, but they have many pictures of the boy and what's worse... comments galore, almost everyone condemning the boy, his religion, his upbringing, parents, society, internet even!
I can't describe how grossed out I feel. And very let down and cheated... I do know that the website isn't really an accurate description of Mangalorean people and culture, but the narrow mindedness and archaic thinking as evinced in the comments are totally demoralising.
"In order to judge properly, one must get away somewhat from what one is judging, after having loved it. That is true of countries, of persons, and of yourself". - Andre Gidé
I don't really appreciate passing judgements... I try not to most times... but this spate of nasty comments has really bothered me... What kind of people live in Mangalore now...? was I wrong in my pride in my hometown... it's my security blanket, a vital part of my identity. I plan to go back home to spend the dusk of my life there (If I dont kick the bucket before my grand plan that is) but peering into that society from the outside as it were, as I am doing now... I'm not very sure...
Is it me? Is the change internal... I dont want think so... I am trying very hard to understand, rationalise, assemble and structure my thoughts and feelings... I need to have a place I call home, one that I love and respect and have deep faith and pride in.... My friends back home haven't changed a bit, that I know... Life goes forward... why is Mangalore driving furiously on reverse gear...
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Double meaning
Check this out- First day of the week and I have dragged myself with great reluctance to office, bleary eyed, swollen feet and all…
Rings the phone… the Chief Accountant is at the other end. Asks me if the Finance Director is in office.. I’d like to say ‘sod off’ but I probably will get my backside whipped for that, hence mumble a polite ‘I don’t know’.
I need to get my salary and have to bloody well be politically right, so I say, ‘So is it urgent?’ and he’s like ‘yeah, I need him to sign some documents’.
Not-so-polite-but-being-good-girl-me asks in somber tones, “oh… top urgent?” and the reply I get is “performance guarantee for a company that deals in erections”.
Like I said earlier I have with utmost and sincere reluctance brought myself to work and obviously not all faculties were working fine, without thinking I typed the same message to the Top Gun… your presence is wanted as we have to give a performance guarantee to the company that deals in erections.. and hit the send button faster than you can say Jack Robinson.
Ever had the feeling… this woozy confused state that you are content to lie in and the sudden jolt that shakes you off and brings you to reality in a heartbeat with the first thought in your head that goes ‘what-did-you-do-you-idiot’.
I cringed as I saw the message, was wondering what he who reads it will make of it. Living in a world and working in a place where even a mundane, ‘how was last night’ may have sexual connotations, I was embarrassed, hassled and felt intensely foolish.
I cannot forgive the English language for changing so much that I cannot even use words that we did with gay abandon as we were growing… or is it my head…? the grey cells are completely corrupt and I read puns in sentences that are absolutely not ‘pun-ny ‘. It used to have another word, ‘double meaning’ as children we used to refer to puns as double meaning. As an adult double is used only with whisky and gins… oops! I mean chins.
As always.. there’s many a slip between the cup and the lip and that which dribbles lands safely on the double chin….
Sunday, May 13, 2012
If today you called...
If today you called...
I'd surrender the garments of glory, to embrace the light in your eyes
That warms the forgotten recesses of my heart
And fills the caverns of my loneliness with sweet music...
If today you called...
The walls would crumble into bits of gravel
The winds would seize the curtains of my sorrow
Dissolving the years of stone and mortar...
If today you called...
I'd whisper beloved - from within the screams that reverberate
And sounds that tremble in solitude of incidence
Among whispers that engulf the valley of memories...
If today you called...
You will finally hear the words unsaid, the thoughts unread
The tears unshed and the dreams of the almost dead
In the swirls of subconcious and the whorls of the living...
If today you called...
I'd crumble and confess that you belong in the cells of my being
In the trembling of my breath, in the muted laughter
The uncelebrated rites of passage.. In the oneness of my soul...
If today you called...
I'd tell you I know; I know that I will never wear your cloak of love
Its invisibilty now stark in the darkness of revelation
Its terrible beauty a testimony to the glory of wasted lives...
If today you called...
I'd simply say nothing and let the distances grow as the longings simmer
I'd sing to you that the sun has set and the years have danced
Skipped along in exact tune the aborted foetus of our story untold...
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Say nicely for me...
When Alder was small... maybe about 2 years old, whenever something was said to him which he would percieve as impolite or rude, he would scrunch up his face and demand... 'Say nicely for me' and until it was complied to, he wouldn't budge.
What a lovely rule to apply in life... 'Say nicely'... honestly, it's such a simple rule that it seems so weird to say it aloud even. How many times have we noticed that a kind word stems, if not dispels anger and that you can really catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!
We teach our children so many skills which we hope will take them far in their careers, how to be smart, discerning, dedicated, focused and such. We teach them what we think we lack and hope that they will pick a skill set that we admire in other people. We want them to ape the best of us and climb the ladder of success early in life. We enrol them in courses which we believe will add on to their existing repertoire. I know parents who are extremely competitive and I guess successful adults are products of parents who take immense interest in and charter their childrens career paths.
Phew!!! How many times do we teach them and in how many ways that being polite, exercising control over anger and a gentle demeanour combined with sweet words... these can take us far beyond the horizons of success so percieved by the world. Some may argue that this is for the weak and only those lacking in real skills need to resort to this. In no way do I mean to take away from what I said in paragraph three, as a parent, I want the best for my children too and will play a part in their development but I guess the best gift will be when they grow up to be people who are gentle souls, caring individuals and the type who it will be pleasure to keep company with.
Say nicely for me...
What a lovely rule to apply in life... 'Say nicely'... honestly, it's such a simple rule that it seems so weird to say it aloud even. How many times have we noticed that a kind word stems, if not dispels anger and that you can really catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!
We teach our children so many skills which we hope will take them far in their careers, how to be smart, discerning, dedicated, focused and such. We teach them what we think we lack and hope that they will pick a skill set that we admire in other people. We want them to ape the best of us and climb the ladder of success early in life. We enrol them in courses which we believe will add on to their existing repertoire. I know parents who are extremely competitive and I guess successful adults are products of parents who take immense interest in and charter their childrens career paths.
Phew!!! How many times do we teach them and in how many ways that being polite, exercising control over anger and a gentle demeanour combined with sweet words... these can take us far beyond the horizons of success so percieved by the world. Some may argue that this is for the weak and only those lacking in real skills need to resort to this. In no way do I mean to take away from what I said in paragraph three, as a parent, I want the best for my children too and will play a part in their development but I guess the best gift will be when they grow up to be people who are gentle souls, caring individuals and the type who it will be pleasure to keep company with.
Say nicely for me...
Friday, May 4, 2012
The malady of relationships...
Why are some relationships so fraught with pain and agony... why is it that sometimes love just ain't enough. Why are we cynical about most things, including the comfort of relationships and yet desperate to keep them...
In a world of constant uncertainities, the steadying influence of a relationship keeps us rooted... we're caught up in this super sonic pace of getting the best of everything, of life, a model family, a great job, uber cool friends... the designer homes, cars, gadgets.. holidays... the more exotic the destination.. the higher our market value...
At some point in life, the emptiness of the so called successes we have so hankered after stares us back in the face far harder than we do when we see Pamela Anderson. We offer the least respect to relationships and yet when it's gone... we fight to keep it. To what lengths then, should we go to preserve something thats dying and on its way out. Some people seem to have this uncanny knack of saying goodbye and ending things and moving on in life.. when do you know that it's time to let things be and carry on... How long should one hold on to a painful and festering relationship...
"In a deteriorating love affair, you maybe deeply torn between the choice of holding on or letting go. If you remain indecisive, the internal conflict can depress you and even make you ill. You should make a quick determination whether to hold on by fighting or let go by retreating. Holding on unsuccessfully is like clenching your fist tighter and tighter until your knuckles turn white. Letting go is like opening your fist. It feels better, but your hand is empty." - Paul Lowney;
Isn't it the most frustrating bit of advice you have come across... What you need to hear is some definitive answer or firm guidance, cut the crap and tell me what to do... When you have been through a roller coaster of emotion figuring out should I hang on... should I let go... the last thing you need to hear about is another confused soul adding on to your angst.
But there is some good sense in the above. The best of what it says... 'the internal conflict can depress you and even make you ill'... Let go... let it go.... Take a deep breath and let it go... So easy to say.. I know. But I guess winners are those who know that they have touched the nadir and make a conscious effort to shrug it off and move on and not let their lives be colored by the cancer of a dying and painful relationship.
In all of our lives there would be though, an unbidden flash of memory that may come at the most unexpected and awkward of times... a sudden flash that may cross the brain and sear the heart..., 'should I have worked harder at keeping it...'
And yeah... you can hit me now... :D
In a world of constant uncertainities, the steadying influence of a relationship keeps us rooted... we're caught up in this super sonic pace of getting the best of everything, of life, a model family, a great job, uber cool friends... the designer homes, cars, gadgets.. holidays... the more exotic the destination.. the higher our market value...
At some point in life, the emptiness of the so called successes we have so hankered after stares us back in the face far harder than we do when we see Pamela Anderson. We offer the least respect to relationships and yet when it's gone... we fight to keep it. To what lengths then, should we go to preserve something thats dying and on its way out. Some people seem to have this uncanny knack of saying goodbye and ending things and moving on in life.. when do you know that it's time to let things be and carry on... How long should one hold on to a painful and festering relationship...
"In a deteriorating love affair, you maybe deeply torn between the choice of holding on or letting go. If you remain indecisive, the internal conflict can depress you and even make you ill. You should make a quick determination whether to hold on by fighting or let go by retreating. Holding on unsuccessfully is like clenching your fist tighter and tighter until your knuckles turn white. Letting go is like opening your fist. It feels better, but your hand is empty." - Paul Lowney;
Isn't it the most frustrating bit of advice you have come across... What you need to hear is some definitive answer or firm guidance, cut the crap and tell me what to do... When you have been through a roller coaster of emotion figuring out should I hang on... should I let go... the last thing you need to hear about is another confused soul adding on to your angst.
But there is some good sense in the above. The best of what it says... 'the internal conflict can depress you and even make you ill'... Let go... let it go.... Take a deep breath and let it go... So easy to say.. I know. But I guess winners are those who know that they have touched the nadir and make a conscious effort to shrug it off and move on and not let their lives be colored by the cancer of a dying and painful relationship.
In all of our lives there would be though, an unbidden flash of memory that may come at the most unexpected and awkward of times... a sudden flash that may cross the brain and sear the heart..., 'should I have worked harder at keeping it...'
And yeah... you can hit me now... :D
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