When I ponder over my actions and my thinking, I’m
predominantly assailed by pangs of guilt over the things I did and didn’t, said
and shouldn’t have, over feeling happy and satisfied, over unbridled laughter,
at achieving something , basically over things that have brought much joy. Immediately
guilt comes calling along with a sense of foreboding.
As I gouge a little deeper into the recesses of my mind and memories,
I’m certain that these insidious thoughts are a reflection of the coalescence of
religion, family values, upbringing, environment and people who have influenced
me. No this isn’t remonstrance nor is recrimination against anyone, just
thinking out loud, this blog my confessional (in my defense).
The society and faith that I grew up in somehow ingrained it
into us that we had no right to enjoy the pleasures of this world since we were
reason for the cross on Calvary and every nail and thorn that pierced the Lamb
of God was our doing. Oh and this world is a passing fancy, the real McCoy was
Paradise and we’re better off suffering in this temporary dwelling since
infinite joys await us yonder.
What stemmed from this thinking went deeper and touched
almost every aspect of our character, from being treated differently according
to our gender, the norms on what we could and couldn’t do to and in our roles
as we became spouses and parents. Even now, when we do something solely for ourselves
and spend that extra penny on a simple pleasure we feel like we’ve committed a
grave sin. I’m not going any further with this, I’m pretty sure each of us can
identify.
Is this a bad thing then, if we didn’t feel remorse would we
be a fractious and unruly people who lived without morals and values and let
our base instincts get the better of us enabling a violent society. If all of
us lived by our own norms would it be anarchy?
Would we on the other hand be more creative, open,
vulnerable and human if we didn’t?
Tell me what you think… I love a good debate... guilty as charged!
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